By Dr. Heather Wittenberg

Will your child be one of the youngest in her Kindergarten class this fall? Or will he be one of the oldest? Whether your child is “early born,” “late born,” or somewhere in between, parents are worrying about finding the “perfect” age to start Kindergarten.

The media is full of alarming statistics about supposed benefits of being the oldest in the class. “Redshirting” – holding your child back from starting Kindergarten a year (or even two) – is the latest fad in so-called early education trends. It’s an extreme version of holding back “late born” children. No longer content with holding back fall- or even summer-born children, more parents are holding back their spring-, winter-, and even previous year’s fall-born children.

That means more and more kiddos are starting Kindergarten at the age of 6. More and more parents are succumbing to the pressure to have their child be the biggest, fastest, and most mature in the classroom. And, unfortunately, more and more schools are taking the easy way out and moving their Kindergarten “cutoff date” even earlier in the year.

Because, of course, it’s easier for schools to have older, more developed children in their Kindergarten classrooms. There’s a lot less crying, nose-picking, and general squirrelly-ness in a class full of 6-year-olds. But it’s a tremendous waste of early learning opportunities – and a trend that I don’t support.

Redshirting, in its current form, isn’t about making the best choice for children, based on what we know of child development. It’s about gaining an imagined competitive advantage over other classmates. And competition doesn’t belong in the Kindergarten curriculum.

There simply isn’t much research that proves this is a good idea in the long run – and lots that shows it’s a bad one. Redshirted kids tend to do well through elementary school, but by high school they are less motivated, and perform less well, than their younger classmates. Children are inspired by their older friends. Starting out on top of the heap might not be the greatest thing to spur motivation and excellence.

Good schools understand child development, which isn’t changed by fads and trends. They understand that pressuring little kids to compete too early can actually be damaging to their later success. They also worry about the younger children in the classroom who now have to fend for themselves with classmates who can be a whole year – or more – older than they are.

So, what to do?

Starting Kindergarten at the age of 5 or even 4 is fine – and even preferable – for many children. That is, as long as the school understands that your child’s social and emotional growth is the foundation of his academic success. Good schools promote young children’s creativity, play, and social learning. Your child will thrive now – and later – because of a play-based curriculum. Of course, there are children who certainly do benefit from an extra year of preschool – whether they’re “late born” or not. But those kids should be the exception, not the “new normal.” To help make your decision, review my Kindergarten readiness checklist. I hope it will help you consider “greenshirting” your kiddo!

By Dr. Heather Wittenberg

I couldn’t help noticing Mattie and Sophie, adorable 4-year-old twin girls at our preschool. Obviously fraternal, Mattie had stick-straight hair bejeweled with sparkly clips (and the occasional tiara). She wore her tutu to school daily in hopes of an afternoon ballet lesson. Mattie leapt into action with her friends in the classroom without so much as a backward glance at Daddy. Mattie’s sister Sophie had bouncy curls and a sweet, shy nature. She held on to her Daddy’s leg until he pried her away for “the handoff” to the teacher, after which she cried until she was distracted by Mattie’s outgoing antics.

As we walked back to our cars, the girls’ father stopped me. “I’m really starting to worry about Sophie. She’s so clingy. How is she ever going to make it in Kindergarten this September? What’s wrong with her?”

Nothing, Dad. Sophie is like the 15 percent or more of children who are introverted – shy. Normal shyness is an inborn personality trait. Even as a baby, Sophie was easily overwhelmed in new situations and needed extra reassurance from Mom and Dad. Mattie, on the other hand, has always been adventurous and outgoing – ready to jump into any new activity. Poor Sophie is suffering by comparison. And in our hard-driving, extroverted society, she’s not alone.

It shouldn’t be that way, though. Normal shyness isn’t a reason for concern. In fact, shy kids usually become thoughtful, insightful, sensitive adults with excellent attention spans and great problem-solving abilities. And shy children don’t dislike other people; they just take longer to warm up to them. So even if she isn’t the first to burst into song, Sophie still can learn to make new friends, stand up for herself on the playground and have a great start in Kindergarten this fall.

We as parents hold the key to how well-adjusted our shy kids grow up to be. Acceptance, patience, support and reassurance are essential. Positive experiences help set the stage. Here’s how to make sure Kindergarten goes well for your shy kiddo:

• Find a program that will work to help your shy child adjust this fall. Be up-front about your child’s personality, any concerns you have and your hopes for the school year.

• Slowly expose her to her new school – stroll by the campus, walk through the hallways, and even chat with children or teachers if you can. Don’t make a big deal about it – your goal is to slowly but surely build a positive association with her new classroom or school.

• Be prepared to be present in her classroom as much as is allowed the first few weeks of school. Don’t “hover,” but be available as needed, phasing yourself out as your child gains confidence.

• And, most important, keep your own anxieties at bay. Your child knows when you’re worried – and when you’re confident in her.

The next time I saw Sophie and Mattie at drop-off, Dad was sitting cross-legged in the classroom with Sophie on his lap. He chatted with her and the other kids until she felt comfortable joining in the fun. After a quick check-in with the teacher, Sophie, Mattie and Dad exchanged good-bye hugs and parted for a great day. I know Kindergarten will be just fine – for both girls!

Are you worrying about finding the “perfect” age to start Kindergarten? Read the next post in the series Redshirt, Greenshirt - The Surprising Pros (and Cons) of Starting Kindergarten a Year Late.

By Dr. Heather Wittenberg

In parenting, many decisions are easy: Don’t run into the street. Take turns with your friends. But many of the most important decisions AREN’T easy, including when to start Kindergarten. Will she be ready? Or is it best to wait?

When it comes to tricky parenting dilemmas, there usually isn’t a “perfect” decision. Starting Kindergarten early (or late), whether to change schools and when to allow your child on a sleepover are just the start of difficult parenting dilemmas that you’ll navigate over the years to come.

There will be pros and cons to whatever choice you make. That means the process of making a decision – and changing it along the way, if needed – is at least as important as the actual decision itself.

Start by talking it through with everyone who knows your child and family well. Ask everyone their opinion, but decide not to decide – yet.  Don’t allow yourself to be swayed by strong suggestions. This is your choice to make, not grandma’s or the neighbors’.

Then, try my “ESP” method for making tough parenting decisions:

• “E” is for EXHALE. Get comfy someplace you won’t be disturbed for 15 – 20 minutes. Have something to take notes with nearby. Clear your mind and take several slow, deep breaths, exhaling longer than you inhale. This will calm your nerves – feeling centered and relaxed is super-important for thinking clearly.

• “S” is for SCAN. Scan through the pros and cons of starting school this fall, or any parenting dilemma you’re pondering. Unemotionally think through the “what ifs?” of your choices. Write them down. Then, bring a picture of your child into mind. Scan her, considering all her strengths – and her challenges. Reassure yourself that any choice can be modified over time without horrible consequences. Clear your mind again with more breathing. Jot down notes on your experience, including insights, questions and concerns. Write everything down. Then, PUT IT AWAY. Give your mind a few days to unconsciously “percolate” on the situation. Make a deadline for yourself, so that you can give your mind an “assignment” to complete. Often, a decision will be clear by then. If not, make the best decision you can, and take a step in that direction. “I’m not 100% sure, but I think we’ll try CJ in Kindergarten in the fall.”

•  “P” is for PLAN. Take the first step of your plan – perhaps, take a school tour and look into the enrollment process. If you’re still uncertain, reconsider your plan logically, cutting through the irrational fears and worries that often get the best of us with a couple of long, deep breaths.

Bottom line is this: You’re the parent. You get to decide. And you also get to change your mind. If you start your child in Kindergarten, and after several weeks you still feel concerned that she’s not ready – no harm done. “That was fun, but also hard, wasn’t it? One day, we’ll do Kindergarten again.” You’re also modeling how to make a careful, considered, “imperfect” decision – like most of the important ones in life. Good luck!

Concerned that your little one will be too shy for Kindergarten? Read the next post in this series: Helping Your Shy Kiddo Become a Happy Kindergartner. 

By Dr. Heather Wittenberg

Today, it took me 25 minutes – instead of the usual 5 – to empty the dishwasher. Why? Because my 2-year-old daughter was “helping” me. Spoons were dropped, reorganized and placed back in the dishwasher. Cups were used for an impromptu tea party. Big bowls became hats. Fun was had by all.

I know what you’re thinking: Who has time for that? Not me, I assure you. On the other hand, I’m big on encouraging “helping” at an early age. Why? Because it’s good for your child’s budding sense of responsibility – I’m already seeing its positive effects on my older kids – and it’s a lot of fun, too.

When children are younger, I know it’s easier to just do the chores ourselves. As I’ve said before, tasks with young children take far longer than tasks without them.  But when they get into first grade or so, “play chores” suddenly become truly helpful. Years of nurturing your child’s natural love of work will start to pay off. Case in point: I depend on my 8 and 10-year-olds for several “real” chores, including cleaning the kitchen after dinner two or three times a week, keeping the kids’ bathroom neat, and helping to entertain their little sister. Their teachers praise their helpfulness in the classroom too.

So take advantage of the fact that your little one is ready to jump right in to help. Young children want to contribute to the family in ways that they can see, feel and understand. They want to be part of the action.

That’s why I love seeing children at their “work” in a Montessori classroom. Child-sized brooms, sinks, and cleaning supplies help children accomplish their daily tasks – done willingly and enthusiastically, I might add. Maria Montessori really got it: Work is play – and play is work – for the young child. So don’t let the opportunity slip by.

As you encourage your little helper, keep these tips in mind: Show as you go. Work together. Expect imperfection. Enjoy the process. Praise effort and progress along the way. Ignore chore “fails.” Don’t pay for chores – let a sense of competence and contribution be its own reward. And most of all – have fun!

To get you started, here are 20 Great Chores for Young Children, ages 2-8 (with your supervision, of course):

1. Collecting dirty laundry into the basket, pushing the basket to the laundry room
2. Sorting laundry by color or by owner
3. Matching socks
4. Washing and drying non-breakables in the kitchen sink
5. Setting the table with nonbreakables (some kids can even handle heavy-duty breakables, like ceramic mugs)
6. Bringing in mail or the newspaper
7. Putting away select groceries
8. Fetching items from the pantry for a recipe
9. Washing produce
10. Watering the garden
11. Helping feed pets
12. Using a child-sized broom to help sweep
13. Packaging up snack items (veggies, crackers, etc.) in advance for outings
14. Tracking down trash in the car
15. Putting trash in the wastebasket, dumping smaller cans into larger cans
16. Picking up toys – start with a small, countable number, like five toys
17. Picking up stuffed animals off the bedroom floor in the morning and helping to make the beds
18. Helping wipe up messes
19. Hanging up towels in the bathroom – (Tip: Get child’s height hooks for easy hanging)
20. Carrying and organizing nonbreakable recycling

By Dr. Heather Wittenberg

My husband and I used to forbid the words “restaurant” and “children” from being used in the same sentence. French fries scarfed while running around after the kids resulted in a sure-fire case of indigestion. “Why are we doing this?” we wondered. It was so much easier to stay at home.

Then Grandma and Grandpa came to visit, and generously offered to take us all out to celebrate my hubby’s birthday – a tough offer to refuse. But the pressure was on for good manners (okay, maybe just “not horrible manners”).  Since then, we’ve learned that dining out can actually be a fun experience for the whole family – if planned and practiced in advance.

My Dos and Don’ts:

• DO have high expectations.  If you expect your kids to throw tantrums and generally create havoc, they will. And if you expect better behavior, you’re more likely to get that, too. Start by having mini-conversations at home about restaurant manners. Make it a game you play in the days leading up to dining out – “Who can tell me one of our restaurant manners, for when we go to celebrate Daddy’s birthday?” Go down the list and see if the kids can remember all the rules: Say “please” and “thank you”. Use inside voices. Have a conversation or color nicely while we wait for our food. Walking, please – no running. Wait patiently for everyone to finish their food.

• DO go to nice places. Practice with family-friendly joints, but aim higher. It’s a great opportunity to teach little ones important social skills, including how to behave at– and enjoy – special occasions. One of our favorite places to go with Grandma and Grandpa has outdoor seating, good people-watching, and a cool fish pond.

• DON’T depend on tech. Although I understand the temptation, turn off the tech at the table. The whole point of going out as a family is to enjoy each other’s company, which isn’t possible when Elmo is on. Give your child your full attention, engage him in conversation, and help him  enjoy interesting new things about the environment. On the other hand, if your mother-in-law is the one demanding your full attention and your preschooler is crabby from missing his nap, I’ll give you a pass if you fire up some Angry Birds to distract him.

• DON’T order the kids’ meals first. Parenting newbies make this mistake in a desperate attempt to immediately get food into hungry kids. Instead, order a fun kiddie drink – it is a special occasion, after all – and enjoy some good old analog conversation and togetherness. Have the kids try the adults’ appetizers. Everyone talks together, and eats together. Later, pull out some crayons and paper if the kids finish eating before you do.

• DO tip well! Servers remember families with small kids – especially if you’re one of the few well-mannered ones. Tipping well shows you appreciate the extra effort needed to serve a table with small children, and helps ensure special treatment on your next visit.

Bon appetit!

By Hollee Schwartz Temple

We asked for your burning work/life balance questions, and you delivered. Thank goodness! We need a public conversation on work/life issues, especially because so many parents consider the work/life juggle to be one of life’s most pressing concerns. The National Study of the Changing Workforce reports that when employees work for flexible and effective companies, they’re healthier and more satisfied. Yet it’s hard to find that ideal match – in the past decade, the levels of work-family interference and negative spillover from work to home haven’t let up, with more than 40 percent of respondents indicating “some” or “a lot” of interference. And the most recent report shows an increase in employees who feel deprived of time for themselves and time with their children. So what can we do about it? I hope these answers will take you a step closer to a satisfying work/life fit.

Q from Muñeqa: I have 3 sons (12 years, 9 years, and 19 months), and for years now I’ve been working full time while going to school part time (14-hour days between the two). I rarely have free time, and when I do it’s usually spent fulfilling responsibilities (cleaning, homework, etc.). Under these circumstances, what are some practical ways that I can connect with my boys to let them know that while I’m busy, I’m never “too” busy for them?

A: First, give yourself a pat on the back for all that you’re tackling! A full-time job plus part-time schoolwork would be a lot for anyone to navigate, let alone a mom with three boys. Way to go! Next, remember that you are setting a great example for your sons; I am sure your work ethic is rubbing off. And while it’s good for kids to know that we will always make time for them, it’s important for them to recognize that we have other commitments, too.

Now some tips for connecting. Parenting experts agree that kids don’t need us to be perfect – they just need to know that we’re listening and that we care. Given your time constraints, look for ways to engage with the boys while you’re taking care of business, so to speak. When you’re driving to an activity or even to the grocery store, you can inquire about their lives. (Hint: This is more easily accomplished if you forbid “screens” in the car!) Your older kids can certainly help with the cooking and cleaning – and that can be a time to connect. And how about mealtimes? At our house, each family member shares the high points and challenges from the day during dinners, and everyone has to participate! Just by initiating this simple step, we’ve created a tradition that shows we’re listening.

Q from Betsy: I’m the mother to a wonderful 6-year-old boy. I have two jobs (one of which I can do from home), volunteer at our church as a religious education teacher, and my son is involved in Cub Scouts, T-ball, religious-education on Sat. mornings, etc. How do you know when you and your child are taking on too much? What are some signs that you’re “overbooking” your schedules?

A: It sounds like you’re leading a very full life, Betsy! And I’m sure your son is benefitting from the activities. So I think the answer to this question depends on how you feel about what you’ve taken on. Do you look forward to these commitments? Do they keep you from other priorities? Do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day?

Some people thrive on being busy; too much “down time” doesn’t feel right. On the other hand, there’s a lot of pressure today to get kids involved in activities from a very young age. Case in point: When my son started piano at 8 years old, he was given a book for “late starters”! Really? A generation ago, that was considered to be an ideal age to begin music lessons.

So to answer your question directly, I think you’re only overbooked if you feel overwhelmed. Take a gut check and if you need to cut back a bit, don’t let it bother you. It’s important not to take on projects because you “feel like you should.” Choose your priorities and you’ll be happier for it!

Q from Nina: My daughter is nine months old and believe me…, it has been a never-ending journey! When would be the right time frame for me to start working?

A: I hope you are enjoying this special time with your daughter; the first year is filled with so many milestones. It’s also a challenging time of adjustment (and sleep deprivation in many instances).

Returning to work is a very personal decision, and the cost-benefit analysis for every family will be different. For instance, in some careers, moms and dads can take extended leaves without suffering professionally. In others, a long break could be career suicide. So that would certainly affect a family’s decision-making.

The financial repercussions are also a big part of the equation.

And are you missing your work? Kids can thrive in a multitude of child care arrangements, so don’t let “mother guilt” keep you from returning. Kids need healthy parents, and many of us are happier and healthier when we’re engaged professionally. If you consider all of these factors, the answer should become more clear. Good luck!

Q from Cristina: I would like to know some information on how to get a good balance when you’re a working mom of an active three-year-old and you’re dealing with a chronic illness too?

A: First, I am impressed that you are prioritizing work/life balance while also managing your health concerns. You have a lot on your plate.

It’s very stressful not to know how you’re going to feel from day to day, so try not to put extra pressure on yourself to perform tasks or engage in activities that you’re not really passionate about. Your three-year-old doesn’t need lots of outings if you’re not up to it – give yourself permission to stay home if that will help you feel better.

Similarly, working parents shouldn’t feel that they need to “make up” for time lost while at work by cramming activity into every spare minute off the clock. In fact, you probably need some “mom” time to yourself – for a girls’ night, massage, or just some free time to enjoy a book.

Be sure not to fall into the comparison trap, wondering how you stack up against other moms. The “perfect” mom who seems to be able to do everything effortlessly is really a composite that we’re creating in our minds – she doesn’t really exist!

Hollee Schwartz Temple is the co-author of Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood (Harlequin, spring 2011). She frequently speaks on work/life balance issues for corporations, universities, and women’s groups.

and these schools, which represent the Learning Care Group’s portfolio of brands.

The collaboration between Learning Care Group and Sprout emphasizes valuable life skills children need to live, play and work alongside others.  The partnership aims to foster kindness and early literacy, two areas of growing importance for families nationwide.

“We strive to provide our children with a solid foundation for future success and to inspire a lifelong love of learning,” said Carlene Armetta, Vice President of Integrated Marketing for Learning Care Group. “An essential part of that is developing an understanding of kindness and respect for others.  We’re so excited to work with Sprout and to have the characters children love help us teach these indispensible life lessons.”

For the holiday season, through jointly developed lessons, activities and events, the two companies have helped young children become more sensitive to others and demonstrate their generosity of spirit by taking part in a Season of Kindness.  During the Celebration of Kindness events this week, each child will receive a certificate honoring his or her kind acts from the past few months.  In addition, the Berenstain Bears and Super Why and Friends from Sprout will join the festivities at several schools, where local children will meet the characters who have helped teach them about kindness and empathy.

Education experts from Learning Care Group and Sprout have teamed to find ways to engage children in opportunities to develop an understanding of empathy — through teachable moments, by acknowledging children’s good deeds and in other ways.  Each school has pledged to contribute a certain number of kind acts – collectively, as well as individually. These can include something as simple as giving a hug, getting a towel to help clean up a spill or sharing a box of crayons with a friend.  Kind acts are being tracked and highlighted with Kindness Meters at each school, where children can see how each individual action adds up to a kinder school overall.

Sprout launched its Kindness Counts campaign in August 2011 and hopes to ultimately record one million acts of kindness from families across the country.  While final numbers are still being tallied, Learning Care Group schools have contributed more than 52,000 kind acts to date.  In addition to individual student efforts, classrooms, schools and families have taken part in community service opportunities – ranging from visiting “Grandmas and Grandpas” at senior centers, to conducting coat and toy drives, sending letters and care packages to soldiers overseas and preparing dinner for families who are staying at Ronald McDonald House.

“Sprout is thrilled to have Learning Care Group as a partner in support of Kindness Counts,” said Jenni Glenn, VP of Communications and Marketing for Sprout.  “Our pro-social initiative is designed to help develop empathy in pre-schoolers by promoting small acts of kindness that matter big.  Through various classroom experiences, family and teacher support tools, and local events, the children participating through Learning Care Group have been given an invaluable opportunity to understand kindness and how to be a part of a kind classroom and community.”
In addition to focusing on kindness for the past few months, Learning Care Group schools have also collaborated with Sprout on efforts to build early literacy.  In October they teamed on a number of Literacy Month activities.  One highlight was on Oct. 6, when 63,182 children and teachers from 803 Learning Care Group’s family of schools were among the 2 million+ people across the globe to set a world record for reading the same book on a single day: “Llama, Llama Red Pajama” by Anna Dewdney.

Childtime, The Children’s Courtyard, La Petite Academy, and Tutor Time will continue working with Sprout this year on opportunities to promote early literacy and build kindness.

 #    #    #

About Learning Care Group, Inc.

Headquartered in Novi, Mich., Learning Care Group provides early education and child care services to children ages 6 weeks to 13 years under its umbrella of brands: The Children’s Courtyard, Childtime Learning Centers, La Petite Academy, Montessori Unlimited and Tutor Time Child Care/Learning Centers.  Learning Care Group operates approximately 1,000 schools (corporate and franchise) across 36 states, the District of Columbia and internationally, and has a system-wide capacity to serve 156,000 children.  For more information, please visit www.learningcaregroup.com

About Sprout®

Available in over 50 million homes, Sprout is the first 24-hour pre-school destination available on TV, on demand and online for children ages 2-5 and their parents and caregivers.  The 24-hour digital channel, which launched in September 2005 along with the website (SproutOnline.com), is the only channel that follows the day of a pre-schooler from breakfast to bedtime with its distinctive, interactive programming and original hosted blocks.  Sprout’s VOD offering is the #1 on demand service for younger children with over one billion views.

Sprout is a partnership among NBCUniversal, HIT Entertainment, PBS and Sesame Workshop.  Its program lineup of gold-standard, curriculum-based pre-school shows includes:  Sesame Street®, Bob the Builder™, Barney & Friends™, The Wiggles®, Thomas & Friends™,  Caillou®, The Berenstain Bears™, Roary the Racing Car™,  dirtgirlworld and more.

www.SproutOnline.com

www.facebook.com/Sprout

www.twitter.com/SproutTV

#  #  #

Lydia Cisaruk

Director of Communications

(248) 697-9140

lcisaruk@learningcaregroup.com

]]> http://learningcaregroup.com/2012/01/learning-care-group-and-sprout%c2%ae-celebrate-children%e2%80%99s-kindness-at-schools-nationwide/feed/ 0 http://learningcaregroup.com/2012/01/battling-our-perfectionism-bullies/ http://learningcaregroup.com/2012/01/battling-our-perfectionism-bullies/#comments Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:17:28 +0000 htemple http://learningcaregroup.com/?p=1915 By Hollee Schwartz Temple

“So aren’t you really saying that we should settle for mediocre?” asked a young woman at a recent talk I gave about my new book, Good Enough Is the New Perfect.

Despite the book’s intentionally controversial title, my coauthor and I make clear from the start that we are not fans of a “whatever” approach to work and life — quite the opposite! Our research showed that it was impossible to be all things to all people, and that prioritizing was a key to success. That being said, many of the women we interviewed seemed terrified to shoot for less than “the best” in any area of their lives — and that attitude posed a huge roadblock to balance, happiness, and peace of mind.

In fact, when we surveyed more than 900 American mothers, we learned that their own attitudes were holding them back more than any other factor — including financial pressures, spouses who didn’t contribute enough at home, and even inflexible employers.

I’ve repeated that finding many times, but have recently begun probing deeper to understand why unrelenting perfectionism has become such an obstacle for the parents of our generation.  And the image of a bully popped into my mind. It’s as if there’s a nasty junior high kid tapping us on the shoulder, taunting us about how we fail to measure up.

“See that mom over there, the one who doesn’t have macaroni on the back of her jacket?” she chides. “She makes it to the office with every hair in place, bounds through her workday stress-free, and then gets home in time to prepare a healthy meal (from the bounty of her organic backyard garden!) for her perfect family. WHY CAN’T YOU?”

Women who responded to our survey heard the bully loud and clear. Here’s how a few said they were managing the quest for perfection:

“I wish I could do it all and am frustrated by the sacrifices, but it is what it is. I regularly quote Bon Jovi: ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead.’”

“I’m not entirely happy with my sacrifices, but unwilling to live with less career or parenting time. What I really need is a 30-hour day.”

“Life stopped being about me a long time ago.”

What these moms didn’t seem to get is that our kids don’t need us to be perfect; they really just need us to be present. The stakes seem so high as a parent — no one wants to screw this one up! But I’m here to tell you that the bully in your head is offering an idealized composite for you to compete with — there aren’t too many “real” people who can pull off perfect in every aspect of life. We all make sacrifices — time, money, organic vegetables, hobbies, you name it. And that’s okay, as long as fear of the bully isn’t driving that decision-making.

Professor Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, has made a career of studying perfectionism. In her book, she distinguishes healthy motivation and goal-setting from their darker incarnations.

Here’s what she says about perfectionism: “Perfectionism is not the same as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. … Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused — How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused — What will they think?”

Too many of today’s parents are so worried about what the bully might think that they’re missing the joy of today. But just as we tell our kids, bullies lose their power when confronted. So as you march into 2012, tell that voice in your head that it’s okay not to be perfect at everything. Good enough really can be good enough!

Hollee Schwartz Temple, a law professor at West Virginia University, is the coauthor of Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood (Harlequin Nonfiction). She blogs about work/life balance at http://thenewperfect.com.

Now that my boys are in the activity-filled elementary years, I’m flipping the calendar way too fast, often wondering how it can be Friday yet again! As I look to 2012 and ponder what kind of life I’d like to lead, a blend of satisfying professional work and quality family time tops my list. But unless I plan to ensure work/life balance in 2012, it’s going to be May before I come up for air — and almost half the year will be gone. Here’s how I plan to take control.

Step One: Ask Yourself, “How Did Last Year Go?”

Rushing stresses me out, so I like to start my days, and projects, slowly. To that end, I’m beginning the 2012 planning process by reflecting on 2011.  On the positive side of the ledger, we enjoyed our yearly reunion with my husband’s family in the summer and took two vacations (first trip to Disney!) with my side. I also stole away for a girls’ weekend with my oldest friends in November — I needed that time away from my family to appreciate them all the more. “Scheduled fun” like this gives me something to look forward to, and knowing that relaxing breaks with loved ones are ahead motivates me through heavy work periods.

Even so, the spring and early summer weren’t balanced for me. I was zipping all over the country to promote my work/life balance book, Good Enough Is the New Perfect and, ironically, the scales tipped too heavily to the work side. I don’t regret putting that effort into my book launch, but I realized that weekly travel was not going to be a good fit in the long term. That’s important for me to remember as I plan my speaking schedule for 2012.

What went well for you last year? What did you learn in 2011, and what can you do to avoid the same mistakes moving forward?

Step Two: What’s Realistic for 2012?

In the course of my research, I learned that it’s not realistic to shoot for a perfect blend of work and the rest of life on a daily basis. Some seasons are more heavily tilted toward one side or the other, and that’s okay.

That being said, if you don’t plan, you can’t profit. Work/life balance doesn’t just happen, and sometimes baby steps set us on the right path. For instance, a lawyer I interviewed for my book said she really wanted a new job, one that would offer more flexibility and time with her two young children. However, a new position wasn’t going to instantly materialize — she needed to take deliberate steps, and starting small made that possible. Instead of resenting the extra hours she spent at work, she began asking her boss for comp time — and she got it! That step pulled her out of a funk and got her thinking about possibilities. She talked to a career counselor and started networking with former colleagues. In the end, she landed a new job that better fit her professional and personal goals, and it wouldn’t have happened without that first hop forward.

Are there some small steps you can take to make sure the scales don’t tip too heavily toward one side or the other in 2012? Two examples from my life: I love singing and hanging out with like-minded women, but neither would appear on my calendar without some initiative on my part. I auditioned for a singing group last fall and now enjoy a weekly rehearsal and performance opportunities. And I’m finally going to join the book club that my friend Melissa has been nagging about for months! How about you?

Step Three: How Will You Assess Your Progress?

With the pace that so many of us keep, it’s easy to set goals — and then forget about them. This happened to me too often in 2011, so for the next year, I’m going to use the last Friday of every month as a time for reflection. (I’m actually writing it on my calendar!) For example, I’ll look back and see how many yoga classes I hit, how many articles I wrote and speaking engagements I booked, and how many hours I spent volunteering at my kids’ school.

That being said, I’m not going to worry if I don’t reach every goal. A recent study of more than 1,200 older Americans reported that “worrying too much” was a big life regret — one for today’s generation of parents to avoid. “Worry wastes your life. Worrying never solved anything. So don’t,” the survey’s respondents implored.

So I’ll try to shrug it off if I don’t hit every marker, but building an assessment process into my schedule will help me reshuffle if I need to. Better still, it will make my successes easier to spot and celebrate.

I wish you much success, happiness, and balance in 2012!

Hollee Schwartz Temple is the coauthor of Good Enough Is the New Perfect: Finding Happiness and Success in Modern Motherhood (Harlequin Nonfiction). A law professor at West Virginia University, she is a frequent conference speaker on work/life balance.

By Dr. Heather Wittenberg

Any parent of a preschooler knows the subject of sharing warrants an entire how-to manual. So although our four-part series on sharing is all wrapped up today, just in time for the holidays, we hope you’ll refer back to it – and print and upload our adorable sharing activities – throughout 2012.  But first, check out how The Two Bears work out their holiday gift-giving dilemma.

La Petite Academy

Childtime

Tutor Time

The Children’s Courtyard

Montessori Unlimited 

Sometimes, we have unrealistic expectations of our little ones. Preschoolers are tricky that way. One minute they seem so grown up – then suddenly, they’re like the unpredictable, wacky toddlers they were just a few short months ago.  They’re moving targets for our lessons on sharing – not an easy task.

Luckily, they come prewired to care for others. But it’s a long stretch in development and experience before they can actually put themselves in their friends’ shoes, turning caring into empathy – and empathy into sharing a favorite treat with a sad friend. Soon, they’ll learn that sharing – and giving – feel pretty great, too.

But it doesn’t stop there. Kindness, empathy, and sharing grow over time and blossom into altruism – the unselfish concern for other people. Altruism, one of the most powerful and uniquely human traits, is in great demand these days. So just think: The next time you give your preschooler a lesson in sharing, you’re giving a gift to humanity. How’s that for holiday gift-giving?

Here are a few more tips for your little gift to humanity:

• Giving – not Getting. Make the holidays about giving. Preschoolers love making and giving things for special others. That makes the “getting” part a fun bonus.

• Gratitude. Focus on thankfulness for what the family does have, and for any gifts received. Make a big deal out of personalized thank-you projects, encouraging your kids’ contributions to the effort.

• Manage expectations. Don’t get sucked in to images of holiday perfection. Stressed parents = stressed kids. Relax and enjoy family, friends, food, and fun. Have the kids pass out holiday treats to prove just how popular “givers” can be!

• Just say “No, thanks.” Allow your kids NOT to share. Some things hold a special place in your child’s heart, and it’s your job to help her learn how to protect those things. As long as she’s making progress with sharing, support her when she has important things to keep to herself, too.

• Perspective. Help your kids learn about those who have less. Even preschoolers can help organize canned goods at food banks, and collect donations from family friends to make donations. Make altruism a regular part of family life.

I’m grateful to be able to connect with so many parents all year long. Have a wonderful holiday – and Happy 2012!